Change of Venue

After a week of staying at my uncle's house, we have now relocated to my brother's place. Frankly it's an upgrade. No kids running around, for one thing.

Also the person whose room I'm borrowing isn't here at the moment (she flew back home until New Years, I think), and it comes with an attached bathroom. So score on that point. ALSO they have a dish with Investigation Discovery on it IN THE ROOM!!!! SO MUCH WIN!!!

A++ accommodations here.

We went shopping for the Boxing Day sales earlier today, which was and adventure. Also totally something I could've done without, though I did get a few things so that was alright. Though neither Walmart nor E.B. Games had any Phoenix Wright games in stock, which sucked (though I did get a Kingdom Hearts game for the 3DS, so far I like it). I ended up buying Dual Destinies from the E-Store, but they don't have the Apollo Justice game or the Miles Edgeworth game, which sucks. Also the only copy of Justice For All is in a 3-pack with Ace Attorney and Trials and Tribulations, which I already own so that's not worth the money.

Still can't wait to be home, though it's gonna suck leaving my brothers again. But I'll be happy once we get back, even though we'll be landing after midnight and then we'll still have a nearly four hour long drive after that (depending on the weather) so Saturday is definitely gonna suck. And then I'll have Sunday to recover and then probably back to work on Monday. 

Merry Christmas Eh

First Christmas away from home went well.

Also I may have to resist the urge to kidnap my brother's puppy and bring her home with us. Though my mom would have a fit if I even tried.

We opened our presents Christmas Eve at my brother's place. Got a 3DS from my parents, life is good. Also my brother and his girlfriend got me a TARDIS LAMP WHOO!!! Not quite sure exactly how we're going to get that on the plane safely, but TARDIS LAMP YO!!! WITH OPENING DOORS!!!

We're still staying with my aunt, uncle, and cousins so we sat in on their Christmas morning with them. Which was fairly fun. So many dolls though. So many.

We had Christmas supper here too, also we Facetimed with our family back home, where it's like 13 degrees out and they have no snow (while we're freezing our arses off out here, oi). Weird that we're not with those guys this year, but it's pretty fun up here. We're going to the stores tomorrow for Boxing Day sales (already, which is weird, but whatever, need a case for my 3DS before I break it in transit), though hopefully I won't be dragged around all afternoon.

Just one more week left in this trip before we head for home. And I'll miss it up here, but I'll be so glad to get home to my own bed... and warmer temperatures. Re-packing the suitcases are gonna be an adventure, though, I can already tell. New clothes and new books that I told myself before I left that I wasn't gonna buy but then I did so, oops. 

Posting From the Field

Day 4 of the vacation and I am so ready to be home. 

Somehow when I thought about what was going to happen on this trip, I never even considered the lack of independence that would happen. I mean, I still live with my parents, but I have my own money and car and am basically free to come and go as I please. Here, I have to rely on other people taking me around if I want to go places, which is a bitch because it's a lack of control I'm finding really hard to deal with.

Take today, my brother was supposed to take me downtown but I haven't heard back from him in hours. How am I supposed to prepare myself for an outing when I don't know when or if it's happening. Add in the fact that I'm supposed to get a meal in me at some point that just makes everything even worse. I am not in control of when I eat here either, not really, not my kitchen, not my house, not my food. Sooooooo... stress.

(Also I'm having movies playing HD movies on my tiny-ass laptop, so if anyone knows anything about that, please send help.)

Another thing I haven't considered is what it would be like staying in a house with small children. I haven't actually stayed over at anyone's house for any length of time in years, especially one with kids. My brothers are only three years younger than I am so we were all kids together. My two cousins are 10 and under, and sometimes their friends show up. So that's a lot more kids than I'm used to hanging around. It's a lot louder than I'd have expected as well, although that may be because my youngest cousin is possibly insane.

Anyway spending the Christmas season with children will also be a different thing considering that a lot of the fun around Christmas is mostly for children. So that will be different. Also Christmas dinner has the potential to be stressful as all hell because extended family will be there that I pretty much never see ever. So that's something else to angst over. Also I will be missing seeing the usual family members I see at Christmas.

Greetings, Also It's Fucking Freezing Balls Up Here

SO I'M IN ALBERTA! YEAH! 

Spending Christmas on the other side of the country, woo. There may have been a minor breakdown at one point, but other than that things are pretty fine.

We flew out on Friday (the plane was actually the most relaxing part of the trip, go figure) and we landed at arse o'clock in the morning (it's three hours behind up here, so however late we landed here it was even later, fuck everything). Also it is fucking freezing up here, like minus double digits freezing. Much colder than it was back home. Fuck winter, seriously. My lips chapped pretty much the instant we landed and have been cracked and bleedy ever since. I thought to bring hand cream, but not chapstick, because fuck my life.

Also we're staying at my aunt and uncle's house, which HELLO ANXIETY!! So I haven't really been sleeping all that well, so I'm gonna have to re-start the sleep training when I get home so I am better able to function. Actually my ability to function and people like a normal human being as been a bit hit and miss in the past few days. Finally getting some use out of that necklace I got from Space Robot Studios, so there's something. Not that anyone's paying attention or anything, but whatever.

My two cousins here are 8 and 11, and they are very social. Fuck me, basically.

So it's pretty fun seeing the area for the first time. And seeing where one of my brothers live. Also it's pretty entertaining being so close to malls and stores and restaurants and things. I've already blown mucho $$ since I've been here (also I bought some books, which I told myself I wasn't gonna, because plane, but OH WELL FUCK IT MORE BOOKS FOR ME) (also I got a manga version of Les Mis which is hilarious and there was no way I was passing that up). Also the Spencer's and HMV up here is expensive but I STILL WANNA BUY EVERYTHING BECAUSE SO MUCH NERD SWAG OMG. Two pairs of pyjama pants later... also hats... and socks... so far... SO MUCH NERD SWAG.

Also my brother's new puppy, who is adorable and also a little shit. But puppy, so whatevs.

So this will be my first Christmas away from home, also first Christmas without Nanny (we'll see how long it'll be before someone brings that up on Christmas Eve/Day). That will be a change.

Anyway, it's the third day here and already I'm ready to go back home... what even is my life?

Werk

Yesterday was my first day of subbing as a TA for this school year. Bit later than in prior years, but I was at the lobster plant all September and most of October, so that's the explanation there. Anyway, both days were at the French school, but yesterday was just an hour and a half in the preschool and today was a full day (which is still only 5.5 hours, but hey, work is work).

So my first day at the preschool for the new school year is always fairly interesting. New names to learn, new kids to get to know. There's apparently 29 kids in the class this year (though they weren't all there yesterday, thank fuck) and I only knew two of them by name. And I always hear some weird new names every year, this year has probably the most. I'm pretty sure one of them was named after a video game character, so there you go.

It was a pretty fun afternoon, as soon as play time began, one of the kids took it upon himself to show me around the room (not the first time I've been at the preschool, but the first time with these kids) but he got sidetracked by the big Legos so we hung out there for a bit with some of the other kids. First time that's happened, and I had a good time playing with them. Usually at playtime I have no idea what to do so I just wander around the room aimlessly looking for someone who needs help, but this time I was actually interacting with the kids. It was a nice change.

Today was a full day, which went pretty much the same as any other full day I do while I'm there. It was really good to see all the kids again (though I didn't get to see the original preschool class I started out with back in my senior year of high school because they're upstairs starting this year and thus don't have much interaction with the elementary students, though I did see a few of them and I imagine that I'll wind up in their class soon enough). 

Anyway part of my duties today, of course, included supervision in the cafeteria where I got to hang out (really, I'm a shit supervisor, I don't really do much unless the kids are really acting up, which they don't do much anyway) with the usual kids I end up in conversation with when I show up. And a lot of the kids were actually excited to see me. There were hugs involved, it's always surreal when that happens. Over the years there are always kids that get attached to me and are genuinely pleased to see me when I'm in and I can never figure out why. But whatever, it's always fun. And usually ends up being the most socializing I get done in a week. Far be it from me to question it.

Also I lost two games of Go Fish against two different groups of first graders, as you do. But at least I wasn't with the groups who were playing Trouble, because apparently things got a bit heated there.

Teen Wolf Fanfic Hell

Thought I was getting out of it for a while there. Turns out I was completely wrong.

Please send help.

Nov 19

Couldn't think of a title.

So I had my first therapy appointment yesterday, and it went pretty well. Starting to sleep-train myself now, so we'll see how that goes.

Also she recommended that I post on the blog more, so here we are.

Also it's starting to look like my brothers won't be coming down for Christmas so fuck my entire ass, basically.

Ooer

So, obviously I haven't posted on here in, like, forever. Oh well.

I actually haven't been able to find the motivation to do much of anything these days. I've been working part-time for the past few months, though that's over for now. And now begin the general anxiety-inducing fun of the run-around with substituting at schools. Truly the fun never ends.

Also I've been actually using my Toshiba for the past few days (after pretty much months of not having the energy to bother even booting it up). But that's probably because the kick I'm on right now involves playing some games I downloaded off the internet. No idea how long this is going to last for, but at least the computer's getting some use.

On another note, I'm starting therapy sometime next month. We'll see how that goes. My ability to socialize and otherwise exist normally in social situation has basically been dying a slow death over the past few years, and it's worse now than ever so I'm pretty sure I should do something about it now before it gets even worse. Hopefully this'll help. If it doesn't I'm up shit's creek.

And on a much lighter note, here's the funniest collection I've ever found of yaoi manga art fails and I will be laughing forever at these because some of them are just so hilarious you have to wonder how any of it ever got published. 

Seriously, it's amazing.

July 7, 2015, 1:15pm

Funeral's on Monday

You know...

I've always been someone conscious, I suppose, of the fact that I'm going to outlive my grandparents (barring accidents or serious illness, or what have you), but there's nothing like having the point driven home that, yes, these people who have been around for all my life are one day not going to be there anymore. And that's a bit jarring. Also depressing as fuck.

My father's father had a stroke earlier this year and today I watched my father's mother puree a turkey dinner for him so he could eat what the rest of us were having. There's a wheelchair and a walker in their living room and a chair lift on the staircase. Also this is probably the first time I can ever remember seeing him in a pair of track pants. And he's a lot thinner than I've ever seen him. One of my uncles moved back in with them to help them out, and this is probably the first time he's lived in the area in my lifetime.

My mother's mother is dying. I don't really know how much longer she has left, though I'm pretty sure it's measured in months and not years. My uncle, her youngest, is set to get married at the end of June and we're all hoping she'll still be here for that. My brother's been in Alberta since August and he's supposed to be visiting for the first time since then in June, and I really want them to see each other one last time before the end. My brothers have always been a lot closer to her than I ever was. She came to dinner at my other grandparents' place with us and she kept asking who made the turkey, never remembering the answer by the time she asked again. At the end she said that she didn't know who made it, but it was delicious. I don't think anyone reminded her then. I don't think she'll last the summer, but I hope I'm wrong on that one.

You know, I've always known, in the back of my mind, that they won't always be there. But they've been around for the past 23 years, and I'm not a fan of change. I never envisioned a future where they won't be. Now it's gonna happen whether I like it or not (I don't like it).

My mother and father's grandparents all died when my parents were adults. I've met some of them, I even remember them a bit. I've had 23 years with Nanny, the youngest cousin's only had 6. I always thought that she'd still be around to be a great-grandmother by the time I had kids. But even if I got pregnant right this second it would still be too late.

Her house sits across the yard from ours, and soon it'll be empty for good.

I don't like this.

MAY IS HERE

I seem to have gotten sucked into Teen Wolf hell, again. Only now with fanfiction.

OH WELL! ALL THE FEELS THOUGH! HALP!

Also been spending probably a bit too much money lately, woops. 

And it's actually starting to look like spring outside, though it's still cold a bit. There's a fire going and I have my footie pyjama pants on. We even had snow last week, twice.

"There's no cure."

So much for cautiously optimistic.

Adulting

Called the doctor's office and made myself an appointment. All on my own. It actually wasn't as difficult as I expected it to be, possibly I did it wrong.

Anyway, I'm sure I sounded like a complete moron during the conversation, but whatever. At least there was no small talk.

Although it will mean I will have to go into town twice this week, but oh well.

At a bit at loose ends

So this week was pretty much shit.

Monday especially so.

Though I did get three work days this week, and felt completely wrong-footed the whole time. Yay.

Unexpected schedule changes are so fun (but not really). I really have no problem with working with a whole class of students, as opposed to just one or two at a time, but they literally rarely tell me specifically what to do so a lot of the time I just end up floating around the room worried that I'm doing it wrong.

That and I have very little confidence in my authority over most of these kids and they goddamn well know it.

The only real way for me to work through this is to just stick close to certain children and help them one-on-one, or in very small groups. The problem with that is that I'm not sure that that's actually what I'm supposed to be doing?

Seriously though, why can't these people just leave instructions behind?

So it's been a weird week, anxiety and second-guessing like whoa.

I managed a thing today

So I had an idea for working with some of the kids at the school who I've always had problems with getting them to do tasks. I tried it today, and it worked! HAHA! Go me!!

Not entirely sure if it'll end up working in the long run, we didn't have much time today for me to try it out much. We went through one cycle and then field trip happened. But it did work the one time so I'm cautiously optimistic. We'll see how it goes moving forward. Fingers crossed.

So yes, field trip. To the local skating rink. Which I wasn't told for sure that I was going until I actually got to the school this morning. Oi.

Anyway I don't think I've actually owned a pair of skates in years, and I couldn't really lace them up even if I did, so I didn't go out on the ice. But I was there in the arena freezing my feet off because I didn't think to bring my boots because I am a moron. But there you go. Also I should have brought a hat, but I haven't been to the arena in years and forgot how cold it is in there. I are dumb, clearly.

Also we went in on the bus and I did not get sick. Even the nausea went away after a while since I distracted myself with Rainbow Loom. Apparently the toys I brought in for aforementioned idea have other purposes. Handy to know. Not sure if that'll ever come up again, but there you go.

I spontaneously socialized a lot today too. Not sure where that came from. Riding the high of a successful plan I suppose. Though I'm sure I'll be anxious over that soon enough. The fun never ends around here.

Also I watched The Theory of Everything and Big Hero 6 yesterday and they are great movies and OMG REDMAYNE!HAWKING IS ADORABLE AND OMFG BAYMAX THOUGH!!!!!!!!

So yeah, I recommend those two movies. And I'm still very much anticipating The Imitation Game. Also Mockingjay Part 1, Selma, and Penguins of Madagascar, because I am clearly nuts.

I only got about four hours of sleep last night

Just found the Vanity Fair issue with BC on the cover YAY SOBEYS!!!!!

Anyway, watched the Oscars last night. Second time I managed to get through an awards show with minimal muting to preserve sanity. Well done there. Sad that Benedict didn't get Best Actor (but he did a good job presenting, ja), but watching Eddie Redmayne's acceptance speech was amazing. The man is a dork, let's keep him.

Also Benedict and Sophie got married last week and they were both gorgeous last night and that selfie with her and his parents was adorable. And I just found a video clip of the two of them dancing at an after party and OH GOD MY HEART! Those two, though.

So yeah, four hours of sleep. Because I had to go in to work today, which was largely uneventful. Although we went outside for morning recess and the playground was basically solid ice. It was basically a skating rink, and very slippery. And also very entertaining. It was really quite fun. And no one got hurt, despite some of the children's best efforts. And that might have been why we didn't go outside for lunch recess.

And it was cold, which I didn't appreciate. It's supposed to get even colder overnight, so yay (though not really). 

Went out and got The Theory of Everything today (and the second part of the first season of Sailor Moon, sometimes the local Wal-Mart gets it right), and I'm hoping to watch that tomorrow on the big TV if the living room is free. Or I'll just commandeer the other big TV and force my brother to watch it with me.

The Imitation Game is supposed to come out March 31 and I can't wait for that because I can't seem to convince myself to drive an hour away to the theatre to go see it. Maybe if it gets to the shafty theatre a half-hour away, though I can't really see that happening. Though one never knows.

Is the Weekend Here Yet?

I had a shite night sleep Sunday night, got woken up at dawn on Monday morning and have been sideways ever since. 

Also I get the feeling that I might be coming down with something, but it also might just be physical manifestations of anxiety and good christ is that ever fun trying to figure out which is which (oh wait no it isn't).

I haven't been sleeping all that well at all lately and my anxiety has decided to stretch itself to include my bladder in on things (no infection, I checked) and DOESN'T THAT JUST MAKE THINGS WORSE OH MY FUCK. So now that's even more stressful, but not yet as bad as the sixth grade when I had to go at least once per class (yet, I am forever apprehensive about that).

Although I may just be emotionally exhausted. Also I'm fairly sure ringing phones are eventually gonna give me a stress ulcer because I get anxious as all fuck every time one rings near me.

On an upswing though, I got some new books in the mail yesterday, and there might be some more in tomorrow. 

And why can't students present graphic novels for book reports anyway? I understand not doing it with Archie comics, but there are plenty out with long consistent story lines (like Raina Telgemeier's books) that would be great for book reports. Of course, those books weren't out when I was in school, though I had half a mind to read all of Hana-Kimi once and do that, though I didn't own it all in print at the time so I wouldn't have been able to anyway I guess. BUT I HAVE THEM ALL NOW MWAHA.

It is I, Tuesday

So I'm pretty sure I fucked up that interview by being a complete nervous inarticulate spaz.

Which I kinda expected to happen... soooooooooo no real surprise there I guess.

My portfolio went over well, so there's something.

Watched the Golden Globes Sunday night and it was the first time I actually sat through and watched an entire award show without muting 70% of it, so there's something. I was entertained. The only real reason I watched is because Benedict Cumberbatch was going to be there, and I was not disappointed. That man is a gift, I swear. Getting excited for the Oscars now.

It's been snowing fairly regularly lately, so of course the roads are shite. I went into town on Saturday and the roads were snow-covered in spots because I guess no one had bothered to salt or plow the day before? Well done there. Though it wasn't nearly as bad as the day I had to drive home from work with inches of snow on the roads and snow still coming down while it was getting dark. Truly, the fun never ends.

2015

We're currently being snowed and rained on at the same time... or something.

Also I've a job interview with a school on Tuesday so that should be interesting

Someone please send help.