Memoirs of a Girl Guide Part 2: The Country's Capitol

In the summer of 2005, my Pathfinders group took a trip to Ottawa because Edmonton was too far away (true story).

The ones that went on the trip were me, six other girls (Ch, Ja, Je, All, Al, and K), and our leaders (E and M). We were there for about five days, I think.

I can't really remember much about the trip, or the order things happened in, it happened almost six years ago and wasn't really that memorable.

Anyway, we all left from the Halifax airport and arrived in Ottawa a few hours later. Then we took a bus thing to our hotel, which was about 30 stories. I loved that hotel. It was huge, the rooms were huge, and there was a little grocery store in the lobby where we could buy snacks and stuff. That and it was pretty amusing to have a grocery store in a hotel lobby.

The group of us divided into two rooms: I got a room with Je and K (who were good friends of mine... at the start of the trip) and E (with whom I share a mutual dislike). The others were in the other room, which I think was across the hall from ours. I didn't like the girls in the other room, two of them I outright hated, and the other two I just didn't like. M is All's mother, and I didn't like her for whatever reason, although she was a nice woman, I suppose.

I'm not sure when during the trip that things started going downhill for me. Things started out well enough though. I was getting along with the girls in my room, I was pretty good friend of mine after all, and I was having as little contact as I could with E, M, and the other girls.

It was little things that kept building up. Comments and remarks made by everyone there, a feeling of isolation, and the feeling that the others didn't really like me and didn't want me there.

Sometimes in our room, Je or K, or both at once, would remark on how I didn't really act my age, or dress 'fashionable' like other teenage girls tended to do. They also made mention of the fact that I didn't wear make-up. What magazines I did or didn't read may have come up, I can remember something being said about magazines, but I don't quite remember what.

I had been told all those kinds of things before, that I never acted like other girls my age (I had been bullied for quite a while prior to the trip, so it's not like I'd never heard this said to me before), but Je and K had never said those things to me, and Ja had been a lot like me until maybe that year.

There was even a jab at my maturity. Oh, the fun. /sarcasm

There are a few specific times that stand out in my mind that made the trip miserable for me. This stuff happened while the other, minor stuff went on in the background that set the mood for me and slowly started chipping away at my self-esteem. I don't know what particular order they were in, though.

There were those nights in the room when Je and K would make fun of me for my clothing, lack of make-up, whatever else they wanted to.

There was that fancy dinner thing we had in the hotel where someone told a joke and we were all laughing and I hit the table with my fist or whatever (kind of like a knee slapping thing, except with a table). I guess I hit the table too hard, or something, because everyone got mad at me after that. As far as I know, I hadn't hit the table hard enough to warrant the reaction I got. I could've easily brushed that off as nothing more than a new source of embarrassment, but not long after that K knocked over a full glass of water. The others got up and helped her wipe it up and told her to stop apologizing and all that. For some reason, I got the idea that if it had been me that had spilled a glass of water I would've gotten yelled at, muchly.

Another thing was that we were at a museam in Québec and we were going to watch a movie in the Imax theatre there. We had two options: Nascar, and Mysteries of the Nile. My choice was Nascar, because race cars, and they would give us steering wheels if we sat in the right seats. Everyone else voted for Mysteries of the Nile... yey. We did go to see Mysteries of the Nile, which usually wouldn't have been more than an annoyance to me because I was outvoted, but it was the way it happened. I felt like I was being scolded for wanting to see Nascar, like I was doing something wrong for wanting to see that instead of some people rafting down the Nile River.

After the movie was over, everyone was agreed on the opinion that it sucked. An 'I told you so' from me wouldn't have gone over well, so I kept my mouth shut.

I know it doesn't seem like much, but that trip really did a number on my self-esteem. I can't remember every little thing that happened that hurt me, but I remember the overall feeling. Sure, I did have fun while I was there. I can clearly remember some moments that were genuinely enjoyable. But what stands out the most is the negative parts, the parts that totally ruined the experience.

Really, probably the only thing that kept me from being totally depressed was that my cousins from America had arrived while I was gone and they were waiting for me when I got back. (As a side note, that was also the summer I got my first digital camera... many laughs were had then.)

When people ask me if I enjoyed my trip to Ottawa, I have to say no, because I didn't really enjoy it. The treatment I received there at the hands of people I thought were my friends really threw me. And I didn't realize how much of an impact the trip had on me until I took a school trip to Europe in 2007 and actually asked my mother before I left "What if it's like it was in Ottawa?". (Thankfully, the Europe trip was nothing like Ottawa, except for an hour or two one night when old insecurities came back to haunt me. Other than that I was totally fine.)

I took five disposable cameras worth of pictures while I was in Ottawa and I don't even so much as look at them if I can help it. They're all hidden away in my house somewhere and I never even bother to check if they've been thrown out or not. Some people have said that I was lucky for the opportunity to even go to Ottawa.

I suppose I was, but I was unlucky enough to end up going with my Pathfinder group.

Way, hey, hey

I officially hate funerals.

Nathan's was the second funeral I've ever attended and I'm pretty sure I'm done with them for good. There's gotta be a better way to mourn someones loss/celebrate someones life. Something that isn't as depressing.

The eulogy was nice, though.

Also, the reflection song was Ordinary Day by Great Big Sea, which is an unusual choice, but it makes sense in this case. To me anyway. I heard Jordan talking a lot in high school about how he loved Great Big Sea and I figured Nathan liked them as well. A nice song for a send off, I think.

I cried during the funeral. And I also managed to be a total antisocial asshole and not talk to either Jordan or his family (or anyone really). I really didn't know how to go about doing that or even what to say.

Oh well, it was a huge turn-out, so Nathan's family had more than enough support to help them through all this.

I Have a Soul: Remix

Official Bad Idea of the day:

Going on the funeral home site and being curious enough to look through the pictures of Nathan they have there.

This would, of course, be the part where I finally start crying about all this. Good move to do it while the house is full of people (my parents, their friends, my brothers, their friends). /sarcasm

Probably a very good thing that I didn't go upstairs yesterday. I don't think anyone would've appreciated me making a blubbering arse of myself in the back of the room, especially when most of the kids don't even know me.

I can just tell that Sunday's funeral is going to be fun. /extreme sarcasm

He's not coming back this time

Me, Meaghan, Kasy and a few other kids were talking with Nathan a few years ago, back when he was in the seventh grade, and I was in tenth (roughly).

He was telling us about how his leg was hurting really badly and how he was going to go to the doctor's to have it checked out. Something about him maybe pulling something. Then someone (I think it was either Kasy or Tyson) kicked him in good fun and we all had a laugh.

Soon after, he was diagnosed with bone cancer... at 12 years old.

Ha. Ha.

Nathan is one of my brothers' friends. He's also the younger brother of one of my former classmates, Jordan. I consider both of them friends on some level. So I know him well enough.

In the years since his diagnosis, Nathan's been in and out of the hospital and school, he's broken bones, replaced bones, and even been in remission once. Through all this he's attended several Relay For Life events, hosted movie nights/sleepoevers at his house, and kept up contact with all his friends from school. Every time I saw him he was always in good spirits and smiling and having fun (from what I could see).

The last time I saw him was a brief glance I got a few weeks ago. He was on his way to one of the staircases at school (where I'm currently doing workplacement). I recognized him right away, even without getting a good look at him, because he was the only one wandering around with a cane. I don't really remember if he had his hair back at the time, or if he was wearing a hat or not. I hadn't heard anything about him in a while, so I took it to mean that he was doing well.

Last week, my brothers told me that Nathan wasn't doing too good. I had heard things like this before, and he has cancer anyway, so I didn't think much of it. That is, until my father mentioned in passing that he didn't think that Nathan was gonna come out of it this time.

Ever since that moment, I became hyperaware of mentions of Nathan. Every time my mother would ask the boys if they had heard anything, when they passed around another card at school, any mention of his name really. I didn't hear much information from anyone that I didn't really already know. But it was the general consensus that this was it. Everyone was playing the waiting game now, and there would be no winners.

My brother Daylan told me Wednesday night that Nathan had died.

Yesterday I went to the school for work placement, where I was scheduled to be upstairs with the high school. I got there and the teachers were having a meeting. I suddenly got scared. I didn't want to go upstairs. I was scared to face whatever was up there. The teachers' meeting ended and I saw some of them leaving the staff room. Most of them had red eyes, they had obviously been crying. Some students, including some of Nathan's classmates, passed by. Some of them had red eyes.

I almost turned around to go home. I eventually told myself to man up and went upstairs. But it was weird upstairs. It was like it was two years ago with Mme Jolene, but on a whole other level. Mme Jolene was an adult, a teacher, and while it was a shock to us when she died, it was somehow different than now. But Nathan was only 16, about to turn 17 in a month or two. He was a student, he was one of us, he was our age. Mme Jolene's death hit us hard, but this hit us just a bit closer to home.

I couldn't stay upstairs. The hallway was completely silent, and I didn't see a soul in it bt the few teachers that were gathered around one of the classrooms (Nathan's younger sister's class, I think). There was a weird atmosphere, it wasn't normal. It was to the point where someone like me, who usually can't pick up on these things, felt it. I couldn't stay there.

I escaped downstairs to the kindergarten class. So did another girl later on in the day. I think everyone was feeling Nathan's loss. Only two years had passed since Mme Jolene's death, and here we were again.

Same grief, same loss, same disease, same school.

I didn't see much of Nathan's class yesterday, my brothers had stayed home and I'd stayed away from upstairs, so I don't really know how they're handling this. Nathan's sister was in school today, I saw. She seems to be handling things well as far as I can see.

My heart goes out to the family. I don't know them all very well, but I know them well enough to know that I like them. They're good people, and they don't deserve this. But I know that they're strong, and they will recover from this, eventually.

Rest in peace, Nathan.