In the summer of 2005, my Pathfinders group took a trip to Ottawa because Edmonton was too far away (true story).
The ones that went on the trip were me, six other girls (Ch, Ja, Je, All, Al, and K), and our leaders (E and M). We were there for about five days, I think.
I can't really remember much about the trip, or the order things happened in, it happened almost six years ago and wasn't really that memorable.
Anyway, we all left from the Halifax airport and arrived in Ottawa a few hours later. Then we took a bus thing to our hotel, which was about 30 stories. I loved that hotel. It was huge, the rooms were huge, and there was a little grocery store in the lobby where we could buy snacks and stuff. That and it was pretty amusing to have a grocery store in a hotel lobby.
The group of us divided into two rooms: I got a room with Je and K (who were good friends of mine... at the start of the trip) and E (with whom I share a mutual dislike). The others were in the other room, which I think was across the hall from ours. I didn't like the girls in the other room, two of them I outright hated, and the other two I just didn't like. M is All's mother, and I didn't like her for whatever reason, although she was a nice woman, I suppose.
I'm not sure when during the trip that things started going downhill for me. Things started out well enough though. I was getting along with the girls in my room, I was pretty good friend of mine after all, and I was having as little contact as I could with E, M, and the other girls.
It was little things that kept building up. Comments and remarks made by everyone there, a feeling of isolation, and the feeling that the others didn't really like me and didn't want me there.
Sometimes in our room, Je or K, or both at once, would remark on how I didn't really act my age, or dress 'fashionable' like other teenage girls tended to do. They also made mention of the fact that I didn't wear make-up. What magazines I did or didn't read may have come up, I can remember something being said about magazines, but I don't quite remember what.
I had been told all those kinds of things before, that I never acted like other girls my age (I had been bullied for quite a while prior to the trip, so it's not like I'd never heard this said to me before), but Je and K had never said those things to me, and Ja had been a lot like me until maybe that year.
There was even a jab at my maturity. Oh, the fun. /sarcasm
There are a few specific times that stand out in my mind that made the trip miserable for me. This stuff happened while the other, minor stuff went on in the background that set the mood for me and slowly started chipping away at my self-esteem. I don't know what particular order they were in, though.
There were those nights in the room when Je and K would make fun of me for my clothing, lack of make-up, whatever else they wanted to.
There was that fancy dinner thing we had in the hotel where someone told a joke and we were all laughing and I hit the table with my fist or whatever (kind of like a knee slapping thing, except with a table). I guess I hit the table too hard, or something, because everyone got mad at me after that. As far as I know, I hadn't hit the table hard enough to warrant the reaction I got. I could've easily brushed that off as nothing more than a new source of embarrassment, but not long after that K knocked over a full glass of water. The others got up and helped her wipe it up and told her to stop apologizing and all that. For some reason, I got the idea that if it had been me that had spilled a glass of water I would've gotten yelled at, muchly.
Another thing was that we were at a museam in Québec and we were going to watch a movie in the Imax theatre there. We had two options: Nascar, and Mysteries of the Nile. My choice was Nascar, because race cars, and they would give us steering wheels if we sat in the right seats. Everyone else voted for Mysteries of the Nile... yey. We did go to see Mysteries of the Nile, which usually wouldn't have been more than an annoyance to me because I was outvoted, but it was the way it happened. I felt like I was being scolded for wanting to see Nascar, like I was doing something wrong for wanting to see that instead of some people rafting down the Nile River.
After the movie was over, everyone was agreed on the opinion that it sucked. An 'I told you so' from me wouldn't have gone over well, so I kept my mouth shut.
I know it doesn't seem like much, but that trip really did a number on my self-esteem. I can't remember every little thing that happened that hurt me, but I remember the overall feeling. Sure, I did have fun while I was there. I can clearly remember some moments that were genuinely enjoyable. But what stands out the most is the negative parts, the parts that totally ruined the experience.
Really, probably the only thing that kept me from being totally depressed was that my cousins from America had arrived while I was gone and they were waiting for me when I got back. (As a side note, that was also the summer I got my first digital camera... many laughs were had then.)
When people ask me if I enjoyed my trip to Ottawa, I have to say no, because I didn't really enjoy it. The treatment I received there at the hands of people I thought were my friends really threw me. And I didn't realize how much of an impact the trip had on me until I took a school trip to Europe in 2007 and actually asked my mother before I left "What if it's like it was in Ottawa?". (Thankfully, the Europe trip was nothing like Ottawa, except for an hour or two one night when old insecurities came back to haunt me. Other than that I was totally fine.)
I took five disposable cameras worth of pictures while I was in Ottawa and I don't even so much as look at them if I can help it. They're all hidden away in my house somewhere and I never even bother to check if they've been thrown out or not. Some people have said that I was lucky for the opportunity to even go to Ottawa.
I suppose I was, but I was unlucky enough to end up going with my Pathfinder group.
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