He's not coming back this time

Me, Meaghan, Kasy and a few other kids were talking with Nathan a few years ago, back when he was in the seventh grade, and I was in tenth (roughly).

He was telling us about how his leg was hurting really badly and how he was going to go to the doctor's to have it checked out. Something about him maybe pulling something. Then someone (I think it was either Kasy or Tyson) kicked him in good fun and we all had a laugh.

Soon after, he was diagnosed with bone cancer... at 12 years old.

Ha. Ha.

Nathan is one of my brothers' friends. He's also the younger brother of one of my former classmates, Jordan. I consider both of them friends on some level. So I know him well enough.

In the years since his diagnosis, Nathan's been in and out of the hospital and school, he's broken bones, replaced bones, and even been in remission once. Through all this he's attended several Relay For Life events, hosted movie nights/sleepoevers at his house, and kept up contact with all his friends from school. Every time I saw him he was always in good spirits and smiling and having fun (from what I could see).

The last time I saw him was a brief glance I got a few weeks ago. He was on his way to one of the staircases at school (where I'm currently doing workplacement). I recognized him right away, even without getting a good look at him, because he was the only one wandering around with a cane. I don't really remember if he had his hair back at the time, or if he was wearing a hat or not. I hadn't heard anything about him in a while, so I took it to mean that he was doing well.

Last week, my brothers told me that Nathan wasn't doing too good. I had heard things like this before, and he has cancer anyway, so I didn't think much of it. That is, until my father mentioned in passing that he didn't think that Nathan was gonna come out of it this time.

Ever since that moment, I became hyperaware of mentions of Nathan. Every time my mother would ask the boys if they had heard anything, when they passed around another card at school, any mention of his name really. I didn't hear much information from anyone that I didn't really already know. But it was the general consensus that this was it. Everyone was playing the waiting game now, and there would be no winners.

My brother Daylan told me Wednesday night that Nathan had died.

Yesterday I went to the school for work placement, where I was scheduled to be upstairs with the high school. I got there and the teachers were having a meeting. I suddenly got scared. I didn't want to go upstairs. I was scared to face whatever was up there. The teachers' meeting ended and I saw some of them leaving the staff room. Most of them had red eyes, they had obviously been crying. Some students, including some of Nathan's classmates, passed by. Some of them had red eyes.

I almost turned around to go home. I eventually told myself to man up and went upstairs. But it was weird upstairs. It was like it was two years ago with Mme Jolene, but on a whole other level. Mme Jolene was an adult, a teacher, and while it was a shock to us when she died, it was somehow different than now. But Nathan was only 16, about to turn 17 in a month or two. He was a student, he was one of us, he was our age. Mme Jolene's death hit us hard, but this hit us just a bit closer to home.

I couldn't stay upstairs. The hallway was completely silent, and I didn't see a soul in it bt the few teachers that were gathered around one of the classrooms (Nathan's younger sister's class, I think). There was a weird atmosphere, it wasn't normal. It was to the point where someone like me, who usually can't pick up on these things, felt it. I couldn't stay there.

I escaped downstairs to the kindergarten class. So did another girl later on in the day. I think everyone was feeling Nathan's loss. Only two years had passed since Mme Jolene's death, and here we were again.

Same grief, same loss, same disease, same school.

I didn't see much of Nathan's class yesterday, my brothers had stayed home and I'd stayed away from upstairs, so I don't really know how they're handling this. Nathan's sister was in school today, I saw. She seems to be handling things well as far as I can see.

My heart goes out to the family. I don't know them all very well, but I know them well enough to know that I like them. They're good people, and they don't deserve this. But I know that they're strong, and they will recover from this, eventually.

Rest in peace, Nathan.